Saturday Update 31/32: Going Nowhere? Plus…More on my Evil Father

cycleofviolenceThese have been two very bad weeks one after the other. As time goes by, the state of my business seems to be totally stalled, and so is my life in general. After the very negative posts from December, I told myself to avoid being that negative again; I was obviously alienating my readers with that attitude. Here I am, however, complaining and contemplating again. I know many will run away and will not even read what follows. It’s a matter of fact that people want hope, want optimism, want nice, confident and smiling guys whom they can inspire from. But you know what? In all honesty, I am sick of going to other people’s blogs and reading how powerful their strategies are and how much success they are having when a little bit of insight from Market Samurai, Alexa, Quancast or SEMrush shows that they are doing worse than I am! S**t! Let me change that for once, and tell you something that is so rare to find in Internet marketing blogs: the truth. With Google labeling any link-building technique as black hat, webmasters so scared of them that they won’t give you a link even if you pay them and everyone on the web becoming more and more paranoid about spam, there is really nothing to be happy about. Starting a new business online with zero capital to invest is a thing of the past. That ship has long left the harbor, baby, and we missed the boat!

People have really lost their minds and label anything as spam — it’s unsolicited commercial email (or web links). If they aren’t commercial, it isn’t spam, IDIOT!But you are running Google Ads, so it’s commercial!” Well, every site has ads, even Google itself. So is Google spamming? Is Yahoo spamming? Is Facebook spamming? No, because besides the ads they have useful content, which is what users are after. An ad on a web page doesn’t make it “spam”. It would be spam if the ad was the only thing on the page or the other content was useless and only created to bring a user’s attention to the ad. These geniuses think that anything related to Internet marketing is spam; how, sad! But, I digress. So, yeah, let’s go back on topic: I am complaining again, but, although I am being emotional, I know I have valid reasons to believe that my project can still be a success. It’s just taking long. In fact, it’s taking much longer than expected, and, those who read all my thirty-two updates know that I need to get this thing going to pay medical bills, which will not wait forever. My plan will work, though. The more I learn about Internet marketing, check what other (really successful) people are doing and get used to the IM scene, the more I am sure that the plan is doable. I hope that when I get there my weekly rants may serve as an inspiration to all those people who will be in my same boat. “Hey, this guy is making money online now, but read how many posts he’s written, when he was so desperate making not even a dime,” they may say. “Maybe if he has gone through this and made it, I can do so too.” Of course if I don’t make it, they will have nothing to read because this site will be gone. In the end I consider my ranting a positive experience for those two reasons. Since Word is telling me I spent over six hundred words for this intro alone, I will state them again, since you are probably lost: being honest about how I feel and serving as a historical reference, if I make it, to help inspire others. So, without further ado, let’s recap the past two weeks.

Focusing on Getting a Capital

Remember, when I said that I want to get a capital of $3000 to invest in my business? Well, that is not happening for the time being. I didn’t manage to get a better job than the one I found, which makes me a miserable $5 per hour. So far I made $380. I will try to get $1000, which is the minimum amount I need to cash out. A bit of arithmetic tells me that I will have that much at my disposal by the end of March. Working nine hours per day will be great for my poor sick eyes, but there is nothing I can do about it. I tried looking into selling a few of my toys, but it would take too much time. I am not ruling out the possibility, but with my present job/routine I am making around $400 a month — all of which I can invest in my business. By September, I will have invested $3000 and completed my plan. That is assuming things don’t change. Of course, they can get better (finding a new job or finally starting to make money with IM thanks to my investments) or they can get worse (I may lose my present job). I guess we’ll have to wait and see! Exiting times may be ahead in March!

Yahoo Moderators

I had a few ugly encounters with the Yahoo moderators, the real ones not the Witch-Hunters. You may wonder why should I be afraid by the mods if I didn’t break their rules? Well, I got to do a confession: I did! The Witch-Hunters drove me so mad that I decided to start posting links that break Yahoo’s rules. The Witch-Hunters (little children and middle-aged nerds who gain moderation powers due to the time they waste online on Yahoo) delete EVERYTHING — both links that are allowed by Yahoo’s terms of service and those which aren’t. So I thought to myself, “If they delete them anyway, why should I waste my time concerning myself about which links I post?” Well, lately, the real Yahoo mods have been patrolling the site. While they didn’t touch the answers I posted that didn’t violate the rules, they did remove all those that did together with the whole of my accounts that posted those answers. Well, did I deserve it? I would say, yes, had there not been those Witch-Hunters who delete even the answers that do not violate the rules. I can foresee a lot less profits in the near future from Yahoo Answers.

Searching for a Better Job

Not much luck on this front. Everyone wants references, years of experience, diplomas and stuff. I guess an $50-a-day job is all I can hope for. I don’t have time to go back to school. A degree isn’t enough especially on the Internet where there is such a huge competition.

Finally Set Up Social ADR

After almost eight months since I registered, I am going to give a try to Social ADR. In case you don’t know what it is, Social ADR is a service that allows users to share social bookmarks. It doesn’t give much of an SEO benefit, as it gives social proof. However, it’s about time I try to establish a bit of a social presence. So far the users I came across on the site aren’t such a high quality, as I was hoping. I may actually have to quit using it since I need to be very careful. MES’s Trust Flow keeps going down (way before I started using SocialADR though). This is one thing I see Google’s anti-spam team tackling soon. So far, though everyone says it does provide some results.

Link Deletion (More on my Evil Father)

So people keep deleting my links labeling them as spam. The funny thing is that the pages on which this happened are full of real spam, or, to avoid making the same mistake I accused them of, I will call it “questionable content“, that is, articles filled with affiliate links. My links (other than the Google Ads) are purely informational. Now, it’s not that these links are that important, but it hurts me that these idiots dispose of my hard work and bully me like this. I’ve always lived out bullying and refusal in a very traumatic way, and this has always kept me backwards from living to my full potential, taking risks and challenges. I am always afraid of getting hurt. I know that sounds pathetic and it is. I try to fight against these feelings, but it’s not easy. I am like this because, throughout my childhood, I have been bullied, not so much by other kids, but by my own father. When I was a small kid, my father loved to bully me. He would often enter my room like a beast, look at me while I was scared in a corner, make a grin with his mouth, open his eyes wide and start shouting and yelling at me like crazy. I could see the joy on his face, when I was six or seven years old, while spitting on my face like a general would to a bunch of navy seals. I would often start shaking, and the more terrified I was, the more he would shout and smile as if pervaded by a sadistic perverted sense of pleasure in imposing himself — a thirty-four year old beast —upon a small defenseless child. I was thirteen years old when he told me this straight to my face. I will never forget his words full of hate on that occasion. He had been playing for days with me, having me sit on chairs were he wanted, sit when he wanted, move when he wanted, etc. It was a cruel game just to prove to himself and to me that “he was boss” and I wasn’t allowed to lift a finger without his permission. One day, it was a 17th January, I was so fed up that I complained about it with my mom. What I didn’t know was that he was behind the door and heard everything. He destroyed it and smashed it to pieces entering the room, then looked at me like he wanted to kill me and started shouting,

“You belong to me! You are my property! Did you hear me? You are my property! You are a thing that I own like my cars or this bag [he had his briefcase with him]. You will breathe when I say; you will move when I say; you will cry only when I say! A long time will have to pass before you can do what you want…and don’t you dare faint again!”

The reference to the fainting is because, a few months earlier, he did one of his shows entering my room and shaking me violently by my shoulders. He scarred me to the point that I fainted to the ground! Whenever I think of this experience I cry, even today. After this happened, any positive feelings I had for my father disappeared and I only wanted to see him dead. Every day, when he left our house I would hope that he has a car accident and dies. That was the thought I had for the next three years: hoping that he dies. I went like this, until the day he fell in love with a colleague of his and decided to change his ways, at which point the hatred turned into indifference. I know that wishing for someone’s death, even someone as cruel as this, isn’t right, but I was so desperate that it seemed the only solution. I felt totally annihilated as a human being. I was a puppet in the hands of a monster. He said very clearly what he expected from me and that was the way I was living my life: the life of a puppet. I tried to convince my mother and aunts to report him to the police or the social services, but they insisted that my father was a “good man” and that the authorities would laugh at my face (and maybe they were right considering how common child abuse was here where I live). My teachers were a bunch of bigoted-priests and old ladies; some of them as abusive as my father. My French teacher, an elderly lady, once picked a boy by his hair and started crashing his face over his desk repeatedly because he was gay and she said that he “is a boy and will teach you to behave like a boy until you put it in your own head.” I was alone and had no one to help me. In the end I convinced my mother to take me to a psychiatrist, but that person was over seventy years old. He didn’t understand what I was telling him. After I told him my story he replied something like, “so who is this kid who is bullying you?” After a while, he told everything I told him to my mother and I decided to not talk to him anymore. I was left alone, hopeless and desperate.

The truth is that whenever someone tries to “put me in my place”—a place of misery, submission and desperation, I relive all that I had to go through my childhood with my abusive father. It’s hard to go through that again and again. Overcoming the trauma that those abuses left in me is so tough. I will not lie. This is keeping me back. I have made a lot of progress in the last few years, but I am not there yet. I am not giving up. Maybe, I will win or maybe I will not. What’s certain is that, if I have to die, I will die fighting. My father may no longer be my puppeteer; life is now, together with all the scars I have in my soul . If I have to fall, so be it, but I will fall like a lion and a hero, not a coward!

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